* Confessions
It is amazing how much I have learned so much about myself this year - so many experiences in terms of stress with school, friends, love, and myself. As my dad would like to name these life events, “growing pains" are necessary for us to understand ourselves.
I never really understood why suffering is a requisite to grow as a person. From the previous posts, minimal as they are, it is quite obvious that my life has been riding on bumpy roads. I have always just seemed to either ride on enduring the pain on my ass, or escaped and avoided these blows by driving on the grass. Does it not seem crazy for me to just keep trudging on this way? Maybe I’ll toughen the shock springs on the car or…take another road. Really, I just want a good solution because this time, it is not about freeing myself. It's just that I've had enough - of everything.
People always say that they admire my ability to be strong, to not let anyone bother me. “I don’t know how you control your emotions so well. If it was me, I wouldn’t be able to study or just let it go so easily,” they tell me.
”Miss. Chip,” I say to myself. “STOP. Don't think. Don't feel. Don't care.” In any aspect of my life, it's always been a resounding..."Whatever." I guess I have just learned to be indifferent and numb, and it scares me at how well I can do this. People term this behaviour as detachment...a method of adaptation, a defense mechanism to survive.
I never really understood why suffering is a requisite to grow as a person. From the previous posts, minimal as they are, it is quite obvious that my life has been riding on bumpy roads. I have always just seemed to either ride on enduring the pain on my ass, or escaped and avoided these blows by driving on the grass. Does it not seem crazy for me to just keep trudging on this way? Maybe I’ll toughen the shock springs on the car or…take another road. Really, I just want a good solution because this time, it is not about freeing myself. It's just that I've had enough - of everything.
People always say that they admire my ability to be strong, to not let anyone bother me. “I don’t know how you control your emotions so well. If it was me, I wouldn’t be able to study or just let it go so easily,” they tell me.
”Miss. Chip,” I say to myself. “STOP. Don't think. Don't feel. Don't care.” In any aspect of my life, it's always been a resounding..."Whatever." I guess I have just learned to be indifferent and numb, and it scares me at how well I can do this. People term this behaviour as detachment...a method of adaptation, a defense mechanism to survive.
But I want to feel.
So this is one of the things on my list I have to do.
Okay, Mr. Know It All. So what do you think you know? Because I can assure you that you do not know shit about anything, about me, or what I’ve gone through in the last 8 months. And then you ask me what you think you already know.
Well let me tell you what you did.
I have always thought of us as friends and nothing more, ever. It wasn’t until that incident that I started feeling confused. Even though it was easy for you to forget everything, I felt that things between us were different. I missed you as a friend and kept on thinking about you. I never thought that I could or even would fall for someone like you, but I did. In mid-October I finally admitted to myself that I had feelings for you.
You would always tell me that everything between you and her were under the bridge. And obviously, you couldn’t fool me or yourself. Your tidbits regarding her were just too obvious. But I gave you the benefit of the doubt because we became close again and I thought that maybe…I don't know.
Honestly, I debated everyday whether I should tell you about my feelings and I guess she beat me to it. The night you told me about your “secret affair,” I felt like I was slapped in the face not only by her, but also you. Although it killed me to know this secret and it hurt me to see you this way, I wanted to be supportive, to give you good advice, to be there for you as a friend first. I just wanted you to be happy.
But then you asked me to leave the library that night so you could have your little rendezvous with her. Feelings aside, I could not believe that you could even ask a friend to do that for you. It’s a fucking public library for craps sake. I wanted to talk to you about it but you had your exams and I didn’t want to say anything about my feelings because I cared about you and wanted you to do well.
For a person of great emotional strength, I thought I could forgive you but you started to affect me. I have never, EVER, let anyone affect me so much to the point where I could not concentrate or study because you were always on my mind. I became weak. While I was having a panic attack in the washroom for my first exam because I was not ready, you were talking to her, wishing her good luck. It was then and there that I decided to let you go during exams and Christmas break. It was necessary for me to evaluate my priorities.
I was doing fine without you in the New Year – got through a week and a half without talking to you. But you came to me and basically told me that you didn’t want us drifting. At that point I could care less. However, later you disclosed that you were going through a lot of shit. This time I thought I could do it. So once again, I put aside my emotions to be a friend to you because I cared about you so much. But you didn’t know that I broke down and cried that night when you told me about the situation with your family and also your situation with her. It was the hardest thing for me to hear.
It came to the point where I thought about it day and night – I was totally consumed by you. Sound familiar? I got scared when I saw a little of myself in you. I was too hopeful, telling myself that you would see me. That you would one day realize what the hell was just standing right in front of you. My head was up in the air. I was becoming delusional like you. The more you denied believing the truth of your situation, the more I saw reality.
You don’t understand how many times I considered telling you everything, or the countless times I tried to cut you off but was too weak and came back to you. It was crazy for me to stay in this “friendship” – to listen to the person I cared about talk about the love they had for another person – yet it would be crazy if I didn’t say anything at all. So I was resolute. I decided to be honest with myself, to come clean, to have closure and finally cut you off after my interview. Unfortunately you were having exams, of which I may remind you that you failed because she fucked you over. People were telling me to just tell you that I wanted to break my friendship with you even at your lowest point, but I held off. Why? I cared.
Do you remember the night out that weekend when we went out to dinner? That was one of the happiest, yet most devastating times of my life. I was content just to be able to spend time with you; however, I realized that I was getting way too deep. My feelings were just growing too strong. Arriving home at 3:30am was something totally out of character. Why do you think I just kept telling you that I didn’t want to go home? Did you know what was going through my head then? It was not only because I knew that I upset you, but also the fact that I couldn’t tell you what has been going with me for the last 8 months. It’s suffocating. And having told you that I was upset the very same night, I could not be any more disappointed when the response you gave me was, “Do you think she’s awake?” because you wanted to message her.
Then obviously things spiralled to the way they are now - our celebrated conversations, my superb behavioural conduct. Our friendship literally dwindled away.
So Mr. K.I.A. – who’s been there for you this whole time when she made you feel like shit; to share in your happiness when things were good; to listen to your yell-outs? Me. Have I not been patient and unselfish? Why should I continue to put your feelings before mine? Is it because I am supposed to be your “friend”?
One may argue that friendships are about going extra mile. However, there’s only so much that one can take. There’s a limit.
Our friendship had grown to revolve around her. Every sentence, message, phone call was about her. No “How are you, Miss. Chip? What have you been going through?” You didn’t want to get to know me. Like that time I asked you what type of person you thought I was. It was heartbreaking to hear that to you, I was a very peculiar person. Thanks. It was always about you and her. That was the basis of our “friendship.” Liking you is beside the matter, you know you took advantage of me.
Okay, Mr. Know It All. So what do you think you know? Because I can assure you that you do not know shit about anything, about me, or what I’ve gone through in the last 8 months. And then you ask me what you think you already know.
Well let me tell you what you did.
I have always thought of us as friends and nothing more, ever. It wasn’t until that incident that I started feeling confused. Even though it was easy for you to forget everything, I felt that things between us were different. I missed you as a friend and kept on thinking about you. I never thought that I could or even would fall for someone like you, but I did. In mid-October I finally admitted to myself that I had feelings for you.
You would always tell me that everything between you and her were under the bridge. And obviously, you couldn’t fool me or yourself. Your tidbits regarding her were just too obvious. But I gave you the benefit of the doubt because we became close again and I thought that maybe…I don't know.
Honestly, I debated everyday whether I should tell you about my feelings and I guess she beat me to it. The night you told me about your “secret affair,” I felt like I was slapped in the face not only by her, but also you. Although it killed me to know this secret and it hurt me to see you this way, I wanted to be supportive, to give you good advice, to be there for you as a friend first. I just wanted you to be happy.
But then you asked me to leave the library that night so you could have your little rendezvous with her. Feelings aside, I could not believe that you could even ask a friend to do that for you. It’s a fucking public library for craps sake. I wanted to talk to you about it but you had your exams and I didn’t want to say anything about my feelings because I cared about you and wanted you to do well.
For a person of great emotional strength, I thought I could forgive you but you started to affect me. I have never, EVER, let anyone affect me so much to the point where I could not concentrate or study because you were always on my mind. I became weak. While I was having a panic attack in the washroom for my first exam because I was not ready, you were talking to her, wishing her good luck. It was then and there that I decided to let you go during exams and Christmas break. It was necessary for me to evaluate my priorities.
I was doing fine without you in the New Year – got through a week and a half without talking to you. But you came to me and basically told me that you didn’t want us drifting. At that point I could care less. However, later you disclosed that you were going through a lot of shit. This time I thought I could do it. So once again, I put aside my emotions to be a friend to you because I cared about you so much. But you didn’t know that I broke down and cried that night when you told me about the situation with your family and also your situation with her. It was the hardest thing for me to hear.
It came to the point where I thought about it day and night – I was totally consumed by you. Sound familiar? I got scared when I saw a little of myself in you. I was too hopeful, telling myself that you would see me. That you would one day realize what the hell was just standing right in front of you. My head was up in the air. I was becoming delusional like you. The more you denied believing the truth of your situation, the more I saw reality.
You don’t understand how many times I considered telling you everything, or the countless times I tried to cut you off but was too weak and came back to you. It was crazy for me to stay in this “friendship” – to listen to the person I cared about talk about the love they had for another person – yet it would be crazy if I didn’t say anything at all. So I was resolute. I decided to be honest with myself, to come clean, to have closure and finally cut you off after my interview. Unfortunately you were having exams, of which I may remind you that you failed because she fucked you over. People were telling me to just tell you that I wanted to break my friendship with you even at your lowest point, but I held off. Why? I cared.
Do you remember the night out that weekend when we went out to dinner? That was one of the happiest, yet most devastating times of my life. I was content just to be able to spend time with you; however, I realized that I was getting way too deep. My feelings were just growing too strong. Arriving home at 3:30am was something totally out of character. Why do you think I just kept telling you that I didn’t want to go home? Did you know what was going through my head then? It was not only because I knew that I upset you, but also the fact that I couldn’t tell you what has been going with me for the last 8 months. It’s suffocating. And having told you that I was upset the very same night, I could not be any more disappointed when the response you gave me was, “Do you think she’s awake?” because you wanted to message her.
Then obviously things spiralled to the way they are now - our celebrated conversations, my superb behavioural conduct. Our friendship literally dwindled away.
So Mr. K.I.A. – who’s been there for you this whole time when she made you feel like shit; to share in your happiness when things were good; to listen to your yell-outs? Me. Have I not been patient and unselfish? Why should I continue to put your feelings before mine? Is it because I am supposed to be your “friend”?
One may argue that friendships are about going extra mile. However, there’s only so much that one can take. There’s a limit.
Our friendship had grown to revolve around her. Every sentence, message, phone call was about her. No “How are you, Miss. Chip? What have you been going through?” You didn’t want to get to know me. Like that time I asked you what type of person you thought I was. It was heartbreaking to hear that to you, I was a very peculiar person. Thanks. It was always about you and her. That was the basis of our “friendship.” Liking you is beside the matter, you know you took advantage of me.
I was your bitch. I was your fucking crutch.
Don’t try to blame it on my feelings because liking you is one thing, but you being a friend to me is another. You have been completely and utterly selfish throughout this whole time. When have you been there for me? When you talked to me about the person you most care about, you know...
Where was the person who I most cared about when I needed them most?
Where was the person I most cared about when I had difficulties with school and friends?
Where was the person I most cared about when undergoing pressures from interviews?
It was the time the person I most cared about needed me.
Don’t you think it’s frustrating not being able to tell the person I most cared about about my feelings?
Don’t you think it’s frustrating not being able to tell the person I most cared about about my feelings?
It is also not just about what you did, but your intentions.
It makes me sick to my stomach that you knew about my feelings since interviews and continued to act the way you are, and I hate you for that. Yeah you sneaky bastard, you have no discretion whatsoever. You know, I don’t make self-sacrifices, or give up myself emotionally for no one, especially for a selfish, jerk face bastard like you, Mr. K.I.A.
So what do you expect me to do when you tell me your “story” of people who have made you cry happy in your lifetime? I imagine you would like me to accept the situation and carry on as if nothing was wrong between us, because right, we are “friends”. Just peachy. NO. This time I am telling you that it is not enough for me to care.
Why should I satisfy you? You can’t get the best of both worlds.
Question: Why do you tell me things like I’ve banned her? Or, you’re the only person I talk to now. Don’t you want me to look spicy for you tonight? Or I am going to buy flowers and put it in your room.
It makes me sick to my stomach that you knew about my feelings since interviews and continued to act the way you are, and I hate you for that. Yeah you sneaky bastard, you have no discretion whatsoever. You know, I don’t make self-sacrifices, or give up myself emotionally for no one, especially for a selfish, jerk face bastard like you, Mr. K.I.A.
So what do you expect me to do when you tell me your “story” of people who have made you cry happy in your lifetime? I imagine you would like me to accept the situation and carry on as if nothing was wrong between us, because right, we are “friends”. Just peachy. NO. This time I am telling you that it is not enough for me to care.
Why should I satisfy you? You can’t get the best of both worlds.
Question: Why do you tell me things like I’ve banned her? Or, you’re the only person I talk to now. Don’t you want me to look spicy for you tonight? Or I am going to buy flowers and put it in your room.
What the FUCK do you want me to think?
You know Mr. K.I.A., for someone who’s supposed to know all, you don’t seem too bright. Just because you tell me you like someone, it does NOT exempt you from the responsibility of your behaviours and actions. Straight up.
I can’t stand how you can pretend that nothing is wrong between us. I detest you for compromising my friendship with her. I hate you for affecting my concentration. And I dislike the fact that you've invaded every aspect of my life including my friends.
I can’t stand how you can pretend that nothing is wrong between us. I detest you for compromising my friendship with her. I hate you for affecting my concentration. And I dislike the fact that you've invaded every aspect of my life including my friends.
I hate crying.
I hate the pain and feeling angry.
Yet, I have such mixed emotions about this. I don’t know if I still like you but I know I dislike you. I think it may be both. All I know is that I am tired of going on this emotional rollercoaster with you. I can’t keep feeling upset when you are upset, or even happy at your misery because I am hopeful for us.
What a burden this has been. So don't make excuses to me about your Achilles’ heel. For such a strong person to have become so vulnerable, you are the last person to come talk to me about being weak and how much it hurts because my friend –
What a burden this has been. So don't make excuses to me about your Achilles’ heel. For such a strong person to have become so vulnerable, you are the last person to come talk to me about being weak and how much it hurts because my friend –
This. Is. Self-Control.
So, Mr. Know It All, don't deny me my feeling of being angry or claim that you know what I have gone through because...was this what you knew all along?
My dad once said to me, “You have to hope for the best, but always prepare for the worst.” I always found that the oddist oppositional tension, as they are both on polar extremes. How do you do both things simultaneously?
So Miss. Chip, what have you learned through these growing pains…
* I need YOU more than anything in the world. I just need to trust in YOU.
* Life is not fair.
* Please grow up and be mature about things, Miss. Chip.
* You have only got one life that you live once. Live it with no regrets.
* The hardest fight you’ll ever suffer is the fight within yourself.
So Miss. Chip, what have you learned through these growing pains…
* I need YOU more than anything in the world. I just need to trust in YOU.
* Life is not fair.
* Please grow up and be mature about things, Miss. Chip.
* You have only got one life that you live once. Live it with no regrets.
* The hardest fight you’ll ever suffer is the fight within yourself.
posted by miss.chip @ 10:05
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